Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
