I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
