Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
