I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
