i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
