update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
