so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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