sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
what day is it and did you see me today?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
