I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
