I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Dear god my vagina.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
