Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
