Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Can't talk, ducks in the car
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
