so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
