Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize