My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
It was confusing and full of hummus
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
