apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize