hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
