I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
