A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
