believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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