my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
