I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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