Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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