they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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