I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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