My friends, they love my intelligence
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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