i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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