I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My pussy is not your playground.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
