can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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