today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
