you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
