allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
