We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
