Cold hands, warm shart.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
