im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
