she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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