you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
