Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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