I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
