I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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