what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
