Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
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