Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
How many fucks given?
0.12846
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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