I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
