A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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