Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
