come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
