I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
