Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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