i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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