i already hear my dad disowning me
I met the friendliest cop last night
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
