I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
