we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
