I cannot find my penis.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
