I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
