Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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