Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
