Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
