I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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