I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
